There was a time when I thought pursuing harder meant caring more. If I wanted something badly enough, I should work harder for it.
Try harder.
Prove myself.
Convince them.
Earn my seat.
And for a while, that mindset looked like success. I realized how much of my life was spent chasing things, people, recognition, and situations that required me to abandon myself.
A price too heavy. I found myself chasing.
Chasing approval.
Chasing certainty.
Chasing people who were emotionally unavailable.
Chasing versions of myself I thought would finally be enough. Though looking back, that version I was chasing would not have been enough for me because it wasn’t me.
The problem wasn’t desire.
The problem was what I was willing to sacrifice in order to get it.
Chasing Is Often a Trauma Response
Many of us were taught that love, belonging, and acceptance were conditional.
You receive them when you:
- perform well
- meet expectations
- stay easy to manage
- avoid disappointing others
- become what people need you to be
Over time, this creates a subtle belief:
“If I work hard enough, maybe I’ll finally receive what I’m looking for.”
So we chase.
Not because we’re needy.
Because we’re trying to recreate safety.
The Cost of Chasing
The hardest part about chasing isn’t the exhaustion.
It’s the self-abandonment.
When you’re constantly pursuing something outside of yourself, you stop checking in with yourself.
You stop asking:
- Do I actually want this?
- Does this align with me?
- Is this relationship reciprocal?
- Does this opportunity fit my values?
- Am I choosing this, or am I trying to earn something?
And eventually, your life becomes organized around pursuit rather than alignment.
Choosing Feels Different
Choosing doesn’t carry the same frantic energy. Choosing will sound grounded, clear, and aligned.
“I want this.”
But also:
“I’ll survive if it doesn’t happen.”
Choosing says:
I can desire something without chasing it.
I can pursue something without losing myself.
I can move toward something while staying connected to who I am.
This is where self-trust begins to change everything.
Because when you trust yourself, you stop treating every opportunity like your last opportunity.
When You’re Used to Chasing, Choosing Feels Uncomfortable
Many high-achieving women mistake anxiety for effort.
If something feels calm, they assume they’re not trying hard enough.
If something feels uncertain, they assume they need more information.
If someone isn’t choosing them immediately, they assume they need to prove their value.
But healing introduces a different possibility:
What if you don’t have to convince people of your worth?
What if your value isn’t something you earn?
What if the healthiest relationships, opportunities, and experiences are the ones where you don’t have to abandon yourself to maintain them?
The Difference Between Chasing and Choosing
Chasing says:
- “How do I get them to pick me?”
- “What do I need to do to be enough?”
- “How do I prove myself?”
- “How do I keep this from leaving?”
Choosing says:
- “Do I want this?”
- “Does this align with me?”
- “Am I honoring myself here?”
- “Is this relationship, opportunity, or goal choosing me too?”
One is rooted in fear.
The other is rooted in self-respect.
The Quiet Power of Being Chosen by Yourself
The truth is that most people aren’t actually looking for more confidence.
They’re looking for self-trust.
The kind of self-trust that allows you to:
- leave what isn’t serving you
- stop overexplaining your boundaries
- trust your intuition
- honor your needs
- walk away without needing everyone to understand
This is the work of coming home to yourself.
Not becoming someone new.
Remembering who you were before you learned that belonging required self-abandonment.
Reflection Questions
Take a moment to ask yourself:
- What am I currently chasing?
- What am I hoping it will give me?
- Where have I confused proving myself with being worthy?
- What would it look like to choose myself first?
I Don’t Chase, I Choose
Healing isn’t about becoming indifferent. It’s not about pretending you don’t care. It’s about learning that desire and self-respect can exist together. You can want something deeply and still choose yourself.
You can move toward what matters and still stay connected to who you are.
I explore this more deeply in this Sunday, June 28th, Episode 26 of the Shift Happens with Shay podcast, where we talk about the difference between chasing and choosing, and how self-trust changes the way we move through relationships, opportunities, and life.
Because the goal isn’t to stop wanting.
The goal is to stop abandoning yourself in pursuit of what you want.
Continue the Conversation
If you’re a high-achieving woman who is tired of performing to belong, I share weekly reflections on self-trust, nervous system healing, and the quiet shifts that help you come back to yourself.
Connect with me on LinkedIn and follow along with the Shift Happens with Shay podcast for more conversations like this.
